Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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