apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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