it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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