I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I need to stop coming to work sober
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i drank out of a bidet.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
