I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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