i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
