I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
