worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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