I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
