who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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