If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
