I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
