i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
