Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
