oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
