"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
zippers are such a cool invention
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
