Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
