My liver just broke up with me...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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