I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
