woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
