I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
