nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
