He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
