he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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