Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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