Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
