I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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