Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
