I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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