Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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