i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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