Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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