Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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