I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
