After last night, I could never be a politician.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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