It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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