zippers are such a cool invention
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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