so that wasnt chicken after all
your room smells of hookers.
And success
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
