Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Congratulations! We have a period
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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