So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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