I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
