I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
