No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
