things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
