im drinking this country out of the recession.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
