I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
