Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
