Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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