new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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