You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
