Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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