just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
