garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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