the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
no, he came in my armpit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
