Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
