Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
