Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
