you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Boobs speak an international language.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
