I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
