Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
