I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
